Saturday, July 30, 2011


A couple nights ago, my wife and I journeyed through the sheer joy that is the Palm Springs Del Taco drive-thru, for it was Tuesday. As you all know, Tuesday is Taco Night.

3 crunchy tacos for $1.09!
A bargain at twice the price!
While waiting for our victuals to be delivered unto us, my wife, who is as astute as she is gorgeous, noticed that on our receipt there was an offer for a *** FREE BURRITO! ***.

One only need go online to the Del Taco website ( or and complete a brief survey, at which time a four-digit Validation Code is generated. This Code is written on the receipt and redeemed at any participating Del Taco restaurant. Free food! Hooray!

NEW! Scratch-N-Sniff technology!
Funnel Cake Fries. Haven't tried these yet. But BOY! do they smell good.
Scratch your screen with your fingernail; they smell AMAZING! Go ahead!
Nobody's watching.
I've done this survey once before and was of course thrilled to have the opportunity to provide my invaluable customer insight in exchange for a delicious and nutritious half-pound bean-and-cheese burrito with Del Taco's signature red sauce. After all, I've been enjoying Del Taco's cuisine since 1979. I am therefore an expert.

Click to enlarge.
I was informed that the survey would take about 10 minutes. Having taken the survey once before, I knew this was a conservative estimate, especially if one wishes to be thorough and conscientious in one's feedback, as one should; after all, the fate of the Del Taco menu surely hangs in the balance.

Here, then, are the questions and my answers. These are the actual questions and responses submitted at the end of the survey.

Pink = Del Taco
Green = Me*

*=Caution; strong language ahead.

Also, please note that these answers are my opinions; no disparagement of any person, people, ethnic group, politician or political party, or fast food establishment is intended or should be inferred. This is just for fun, so don't get your panties in a bunch if you disagree with me.

I would like your impression of the Del Taco you went to on the following characteristics or attributes. For each attribute rate the Del Taco you went to on a scale from 1-5 with 1 being "poor" and 5 being "excellent". You can use any number from 1 to 5. Next to each rating please explain why you gave Del Taco this rating.

The speed of the service
4 out of 5. Usually fast but sometimes we sit there for 5 minutes.

The friendliness and courtesy of the employees
5 out of 5. All employees have been great. 1 girl seemed to be having a bad day and wasn't super-smiley, but I can understand that at 10 o'clock on a Friday night when she's probably receiving sms pic messages every 5 minutes of her friends taking massive bong rips somewhere out in Joshua Tree.

The affordability of the prices
3 out of 5. Overall, prices are good; $0.49 tacos are why we've been going there. Some items I feel are a bit overpriced, like the other tacos which have more meat (chicken or steak) or the chicken quesadilla or the Del Burgers

Being a place for someone like you
3 out of 5. What the hell does that question mean?

The accuracy in filling orders
4 out of 5. Almost always perfect, but the other night the girls working the drive thru had to ask for our bags back and repack them. They were embarrassed and I could see they were debating who was going to go to the window and do it. The girl with the braces cowgirled up and fixed our order. I was perfectly fine with it. They have to work fast and it's easy to screw up.

Is an attractive and inviting restaurant
4 out of 5. Yes, except for the homeless people who like to sleep in there where it's cool. I want to be understanding but when I see a pickup truck straight off of HORDERS I tend to get uneasy about wanting to sit outside and enjoy my taco with my wife without some stinky bastard asking me for money. Stop asking me to enable you, goddamnit!

The value for the money
4 out of 5. Overall, good. But I ordered a Double Del the other night and it was pathetically small. I've been eating a lot of fast food lately for some reason and my choices are Del Taco (or as my family has been calling it since 1979, 'Del Hell', though it is a term of endearment), McDonald's, & Carl's Jr.. McDonald's is shit; I think everybody knows that. Although the fries are good, and the 2 apple pies for a buck is good, but we went there at 1 a.m. a few months ago and for 3 people it was $17. SEVENTEEN goddamn dollars. That is retarded. Anyway, I always go to Del Hell or Carl's. Carl's Famous Star is friggin good and it's a pretty good size. I think it's about $0.80 more than the Double Del but it's much more visually appealing. The Double Del looked good but it was laughably small. My other gripes are that the taco shells are almost always cracked along the longitudinal axis. It makes it handy for squirting hot sauce onto the taco but then while eating it, stuff tends to fall out (oh, poor baby, your taco shell is cracked, whaaaa! there are US soldiers dying in shitty Afghanistan and your taco shell is cracked, however will you go on living?) Finally, the half-pound red burritos (the lynchpin of the Del Hell menu), NEVER have enough cheese or red sauce. I've been eating half-pound red burritos for over 30 years (no joke) and the red sauce and the cheese it what MAKES the burrito. It's like a Ferrari without the 600hp motor and the Italian Red paint. I sometimes order the burritos with extra red sauce and extra cheese, but I did it the other night and each addition cost me $0.39. Are you guys HIGH? That's $0.78! For another twenty cents I can get another damn burrito. I appreciate the costs of ingredients but day-amn.

The taste or flavor of the food
4 out of 5. Flavor of the food is good. Del Taco has a distinct flavor, one which I think is superior overall to Taco Bell. Although, I must say, Taco Bell's hotsauce is much better. Del Taco hot sauce has a black pepper flavor. I think it has improved from some years ago, however. The sauces are genuinely spicy, which is great. But if I'm at home on a Sunday watching a ROCKY marathon and the day is growing long and 4:20 rolls around and I'm jonesin' for some good ol' old-fashioned white trash homemade nachos like Will Ferrell whips up for breakfast in the opening credits for STEPBROTHERS, and I want to drizzle hot sauce on those bad boys, Taco Bell hot sauce is my sauce of choice.

The cleanliness of the restaurant
4 out of 5. Restaurant is always clean. There are usually flies though, probably brought in by the aforementioned homeless bastards.

The quality of the ingredients
4 out of 5. Not sure about the quality of the ingredients, but the food seems relatively healthy overall, depending on what you order. My wife always gets crunchy tacos with beans instead of taco meat, so that's relatively healthy. But, like that lying sack of shit Bill Clinton, one of only 2 presidents in the history of the country to be impeached, "I will revert to my former statement." Too bad the White House doesn't have a poll as good as this one to determine how f***ed up a job they're doing.

Finally (trumpets please!), we have the validation code:

The code has been recorded for posterity and shall soon be redeemed!

All is right with the world.

Now, should you desire free Del Taco cuisine of your own, you may venture to your nearest Del Taco restaurant and hope and pray that you receive a receipt with the free burrito offer (for they appear to be random), or you may like them on Facebook in order to receive a free Nacho Crunch burrito:

Click image to visit Facebook to get your own
FREE Nacho Crunch Burrito

No, I'm not getting anything out of this. It's merely for my own sick amusement.

What does this have to do with writing, you ask?

Only a writer would sit for an hour and spew well-meaning vitriol onto a fast-food company's survey and then painstakingly blog about it. The free burrito is the icing on the proverbial cake.

No comments:

Post a Comment